Darkness
by Sleepy Aya
Summary: Updated, fixed, and extended: Is there a savior from the darkness for Aya? Better yet, will Aya let that person help him? Rated for some language. Read and Review Please!
1. Routine

Author's Note: I swore I wouldn't post this fic. I didn't want one of my friends to read it; hopefully she wooon't! But that's probably not going to happen. Uhm, just a few things. This is *my* fic! Don't go and tell me someone's out of character or something; it's probably on purpose. Not everything has to follow the anime guys. *GASP* I don't mean to burst your bubble, but it's the truth. Read and review please! I beg you, if there are some grammatical errors, I'll fix them. But this is a *ROUGH* draft. Thanks! *hops away*           

Darkness

**Chapter 1 **

            The night was dark. Funny how that seems so obvious, yet it must be said. Everything is always dark. My heart, my soul, my room, and of course the night; always dark, never letting up for a single moment. Why must I be the one to suffer this way? Why must I be the one to have these horrible feelings? Love was so distant. Friends? What are those? I know not of these. Those things are just as dark as my feelings, stifled deep within my chest. 

            I had a good family, didn't I? Didn't they all love me unconditionally? Didn't I love them back just as unconditionally? What's wrong with me? What happened? What made me sink so low, where everything is so dark? I hate it here. Hate it I tell you. Damn it all to hell, just go away and leave me alone.

            Escape. There's no escape for me. I live forever in this dark depression. No one can get near me. I can't hurt anyone here. If they get to close, a glare and a shove will keep them away. Hopefully forever. Yet, I must go on. I must let those three skillful workers in just a little, or everything will fail. You can't work on a team and keep them shut out the whole time. Just on missions. Just on a mission is when I let them in for a bit. Not too long. Oh no. That would cause me to break. I can't afford to break. I'm the cold-hearted leader that must decide what happens. Nothing can get in the way. I must go on. 

And for that, I will live in this darkness; for now. 

~*~

            The alarm went off and I smashed my hand down on it, until it quit beeping at me. It was morning already. I was up half the night cleaning my wounds and trying to get comfortable in bed. Figures. And guess who would get the morning shift? None other than me. 

            Of course, give the person that doesn't care the earliest shift so the other person can sleep in. Well, at least someone else will be suffering with me. Hidaka maybe? No, with my luck I'll get the lazy ass, Kudou. I sighed and dragged myself out of bed. 

            The warmth left me as soon as I stood up. I bit back a whimper. Why did everything have to be so cold? 

            I skulked over to my closet and pulled out a pair of black jeans. Black, so… cold. So… dark. Yes dark. So… beautiful. The complete opposite of innocence as well. I'm not innocent anymore. Once upon a time, maybe. 

            Next came the black shirt. I donned them both and went to the bathroom. Teeth first. Face second. Comb my hair a little. Take a quick glance in the mirror. It was all mechanical. It was all routine. 

            I went downstairs and suppressed a yawn. My stomach growled, reminding me it was time to take care of it as well. No one else was up. '_Well that saves me from cooking for all of them.' Came the usual thought to mind when I was the first one up. _

            I opened the fridge and looked in, where I found literally, _nothing. _

            "Yohji forgot to go shopping yesterday." I sighed, talking to myself and muttered a few curses. 

            "So much for breakfast," talking to myself again. It's a habit when I'm alone. At least I know I'm listening. I don't have to bother the others with the burdens of my complaints. Don't want to do that. Oh no. 

            I shut the fridge and sauntered over to the flower shop. "Well, at least it's clean."

            I ran a broom through the shop once and brought some flowers up to the front where others had run out the day before. 

_            'Flowers are so… bright. But they don't make it so unbearable, like Omi can with his cheerful smiles.'_ Thinking now. At least it's not out loud, where if someone chanced by they could hear it. I turned and unlocked the front door, turned the sign so it now said "Open", and took a deep breath. Today would be a long day. 

            11:50... shop closes at noon for lunch. Just ten more minutes. Just ten more minutes before I can leave, and go make a daily visit to my sister. I wonder if she's changed any. Wait, what am I talking about? She's in a coma, asleep on the bed, the same damned way she was yesterday when you went to visit her. Nothing's changed. She hasn't moved. She hasn't woken up. 

_            'Damn it Fujimiya, you've got to stop tricking yourself into believing things. She's not waking up. What's the point anymore? Revenge didn't help. That didn't wake her. Now what?'_ Thoughts flew through my head faster then a Russian racehorse around a track in the next ten minutes. I needed away from all these people

            Yohji had been late this morning; leaving me to work from seven to ten all by myself. Not that I minded that much, it was just the rush of girls. They were all disappointed about having one person here in the early morning. But what did they expect when you were paired up with a lazy playboy for morning shift?

            Finally the clock strikes noon. I glared all the girls out of the flower shop and turned the sign to closed. I needed silence.

            I ran upstairs to my room and grabbed my leather jacket. I looked at the jacket; inlaid on the leather was a big rose on the back. Scarlet red. Like all the blood from the people I've killed.

            I shrugged the feeling off and put the jacket on. Then I left. 

            I decided to walk. It's not too cold out yet. It is winter though. Weather seems to change too much for one person to keep up with. 

            The familiar building comes within eyesight finally. I've been here almost everyday after work for years. Even in Crashers, I came here when I had spare time. I can't bear to not go. I know nothing has changed within, but I can't help myself. 

            A gust of wind blew by me and chilled me through to the bone. Zipping up my leather jacket, I walked on and into the main building. 

            Out of routine, I walked straight to her room without even thinking where I was going. I nodded at a few nurses that I knew, or rather have yelled at several times when I thought Aya wasn't being taken care of properly. Ah, such fond memories of this hospital. 

            I opened the door slowly, _carefully,_ not wanting to wake the occupant inside. Not that it would help any. She's not going to wake up. So my effort was useless. I sighed to myself. 

            I took my seat beside her and just looked at her. "Afternoon imouto. I hope you've been well. We had a mission last night. I was careful, but I still got hurt. Gomen. It's just a scratch on my shoulder. Nothing big. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night either." I told her about my day and contented myself, forever watching her sleeping form. 

            Just before dinner, I said my farewell and walked on home. Now the outside was extremely windy, and I was grateful for the jacket. 

            I walked home, like I always did. I got there about the same time I always have. I went to my room first, like I've always done. Then I waited for dinner by reading some literature, like I've always done. I was a good ways into _Hamlet _when the routine knock came on my door. That was all; whoever it was, probably Ken, was gone now. I requested just a knock, not communication. I prefer as little communication with them as possible. 

            I got up from my bed, marked the page, and went downstairs. 

            Chicken and Rice. I could smell it from the stairs. I absolutely loved chicken and rice. I would have to find a way, without saying it, to thank the person for dinner. I wonder who cooked it. Probably Omi.           

            I sat in my routine place, beside Omi, across from Ken, diagonal to Yohji. This is the one time we have a chance to really all get together when we're not killing. And the others are persistent that everyone attends dinner. Something about, "It's good for us all to see each other at least once a day while not killing something." 

            I just come down there to please the others. I never say anything. It would be very out of the ordinary if I did say something, or laugh at someone's crude jokes. 

            Like clockwork, I ate, put my dishes in the sink, and went back to my bedroom. I dressed for bed and picked _Hamlet _back up and read on. 

            Around nine o'clock my eyes started watering and I knew I needed sleep. That means I would have to face the darkness. The everlasting darkness. The darkness that is inside me all day. The darkness in my heart and soul. I'm so very alone in this world. It's just me and the darkness. Is there not a savior anywhere?           ****


	2. Damn Milk

**Chapter 2**

"Damn Milk"  
  


            I showered just before I settled into my bed. Just like every night. Shower right before bed. I had to stay on routine or my little world would be knocked off its orbit, and I'd smash into the sun and die. 

            _Hamlet _now lay on my nightstand. I was almost done. I've read it about three times now though. But what is there not to love about Shakespeare? I could reread his works a multitude of times and not get bored. 

            Reading kept the darkness away for a while. Just like the little 40 watt lamp on my nightstand did, for a while. 

            Sighing, I pulled the covers all the way up and looked at my ceiling. As much as I needed, _wanted_, to sleep… I couldn't. Routine night. I'll fight off sleep until I can't take it anymore, and eventually drift off into a peaceful sleep. I wonder, do I have morning or afternoon shift at work tomorrow? 

            Morning. Again. I remember Omi talking about our shifts at dinner. I wasn't really paying too much attention to him. They all find it fascinating to talk at once. How can you keep a conversation like that? If I want to talk to someone, I'd much rather prefer it to be one on one. I just couldn't keep up with what three other people are saying at once. 

            The darkness finally claimed me and I didn't escape until the beeping of my alarm at 6:30 a.m. brought me back to reality. 

            "Damn. I hate morning shifts." Talking to myself. Wonderful habit, I believe we've already discussed this though. 

            I turned over and curled up on my side. I didn't want to be awake. I just wanted to sleep some more. I'm exhausted. My muscles ache, but I have to get up. The show must go on. 

            I'm working with Ken this morning. At least I'll have help cleaning up and opening. Ah, but I already predict the disasters that our neighborhood soccer player brunette will have this morning. Well, it's better then nothing.

            I dragged myself out of bed and went over to my closet. Black jeans and shirt. I put them both on and went to the bathroom. Teeth first, face second. Comb my hair some. Take a glance in the mirror to approve myself for the day, and then downstairs for some breakfast. 

            Ken came shuffling down the stairs and soon as I opened the refrigerator.

            "I went shopping with Yohji yesterday, so there should be more food," Ken yawned as he came and stood beside me to look in. I just nodded in acknowledgement and already knew the next thing about to come out of his mouth. 'Would you cook breakfast?'

            "Would you cook breakfast, please? I'm a horrible cook, I'm sure you know that. I always end up burning things." He smiled sheepishly and there was nothing I could do but oblige.  I pulled out the eggs, bacon, and the things to make pancakes with. Hopefully the smell of breakfast would drag the others out of bed. 

            _Hopefully_.

            I pulled out a pan from inside the stove and set it on the biggest burner. Pancakes first. I followed the directions on the back of the box of the pancake mix. 

            Ken watched me, I could feel it. There's absolutely nothing interesting about me, why does he do that?

            Four pancakes, four eggs, and eight pieces of bacon later, I'm completely unnerved by the eyes on me. I should snap at him, but he's trying to hide it and I don't want to ruin his little game. He's not as sneaky as he thinks he is _obviously. I handed him a plate and set my plate at my place across from him. _

            I stuck four pieces of toast in our 4-piece-holder-toaster. I turned to the cabinet beside the fridge and pulled out a tall clear glass and filled it with milk. Ah, the love of milk. I was, besides Ken, the only other one that liked milk. Omi and Yohji had a great dislike of it. I don't know how, but they do. 

            I set the glass down by my plate and then got two forks and handed one to Ken who graciously accepted it. Then he too got up and poured himself a glass of milk. 

            I sat down at my place and the whiteness of the milk caught my attention. Maybe that's why I like it so much. It gives me a feeling that overcomes the darkness. White is the opposite of dark. Milk is white. Milk is the opposite of darkness. 

            See how messed up this darkness thing is making me? Things as simple as milk are catching my attention. 

            Milk would stand out in the darkness. It would be a light to follow. 

            I'm going insane. '_It's just milk, Ran! Just damn milk.'  _I picked my fork up and started eating my eggs when the toast popped up. I started to get up, when Ken beat me to it. He brought over the four pieces of toast and the butter. He handed two pieces to me and took the other two for himself. Odd… Normally it's me that goes and gets the toast. Things can't go out of routine. Everything is supposed to be like clockwork. Please, oh please, don't let this make my planet go off its fragile orbit. 

            It sounds silly that Ken going and getting the toast could do something like this. It's an act of kindness, something that doesn't often happen to me. It's Ken doing it. It's also been Ken who has stared at me for the past half an hour while I've cooked…  Something's wrong here…

            When we finally finished breakfast, we got to opening up the store. Everything went routine from there. Hallelujah. No surprises for me; there's not supposed to be surprises in a routine. 

            At noon, I went and grabbed my jacket and walked to the hospital, like _always. _

            I entered the room quietly, knowing full well that it wouldn't matter if I came in with a marching band. She would still sleep. I was beginning to think that she would sleep for eternity. 

            I took a seat beside her and told her about my morning. With nothing else to really say, I just let my eyes wander about the white room. White. The room was white, opposite of the darkness that lived in me. Just like that damn milk. 

            Does Aya live in the same darkness that plagues me? She doesn't get to wake up and see the white washed sheets and walls of this room. What does she see? I hope it's not darkness. I would never wish a horrible thing like that on anyone. 

            It's never ending. You just fall and fall, and never, _ever_, hit bottom. I'm falling still. I'm falling away from this world. I want to grab on to… something. I can't let anyone close enough so that I could grab on. They would end up falling with me. Forever. I can't let someone else suffer through something. If it's just me, its better than someone else. I can live through it. I have for years now. 

            _'I will not break. I can't break. I've got to keep things in order.' Breaking isn't an option. I'm a cold, stoic person. My mask is unbreakable. The ice that surrounds me will not melt. The darkness can claim me forever, as long as no one else has to suffer through it because of me. _

            "Aye, imouto. I wish you could wake up. I wish things could go back to the way they were before. Before the darkness…" 

            Tears formed in my eyes. I rubbed at them until they were gone. I will _not let myself cry. I'll break then. I can't break. I must deal with the darkness. _

            I bid her my farewells, and forever silent she accepted them, I hope. 

            The walk home was as normal as you can get. I went upstairs and laid on my bed and read. I was determined to finish _Hamlet _before dinner. 

            _To be or not to be, that is the--- _A knock interrupted my reading. I glanced at the clock. It was still an hour until dinner. Why, _why_, was there a knock at my door? 

            I didn't say anything. Maybe they would go away, realizing they knocked on the wrong door. I went back to my reading. 

            _To be or not---_ A knock again. Well, maybe they won't go away. I didn't say anything again, hoping the third time would be a charm. 

            _To be or not to be, that---_ Another knock. 

            "Hn," was all that I said. Hoping the person on the other side would get the hint.

            "I knew you were in there Aya! Manx is here with a mission." It was Ken. 

            "I'll be down in a second." Another mission? This lady must be insane. We had one just the other night. I'm exhausted. Does she have any clue what it's like to get little to no sleep, work morning shift for two straight days, stand on your feet all day, and repeat it the next day. Plus being more exhausted after a mission. No consideration.

            I closed _Hamlet _and set it on my nightstand. I'd finish it after dinner I guess. 

            I got up and walked downstairs, Ken had already left as soon as I told him I'd be down. I walked down another flight of the stairs into the room we have dubbed "The Mission Room." 

            Manx was waiting there with the others. I sat in my chair; my _routine_ chair, mind you. Manx popped the tape in, and we listened, and watched Persia go to work. 

            Another trivial mission. Nothing that has anything to do with something I'm interested in. It's probably just to keep us busy, _while _we're doing the right thing at the same time. Oh well. It's not tonight anyways. It's tomorrow. That will give me some time to let the wound on my shoulder heal just a little more. 

            Manx gave a few more instructions, gave Omi some more information to look up, and left. I exited as well, not wanting to be there. It was bright down here in the mission room. Funny, the place where we are assigned our missions, the place that gives us nightmares in which we wake up screaming in the middle of the night, would be bright. Not dark. It should be dark, it would be more fitting. Not like that damn milk. 

            I walked up the stairs, clasping the rail as I went. I didn't want to do another mission. Everything is dark on a mission. While I may take comfort in the darkness keeping me hidden, I don't take comfort of the darkness inside me. 

            I opened my bedroom door and padded over to my bed. Now I can escape the horrors of my world while going into the horrors of another man's world. I picked _Hamlet _back up and lay down on my bed. Just to make sure no one's going to come knocking….

_            To be or not to be that is the, _I look up at the door then down, _question._ I finally finished that line. Maybe now I can get some peace and quiet and finish some more before dinner.

            Not but ten minutes later came the well known knock for dinner. Setting _Hamlet _down _once again _I got up and went downstairs for dinner. 

            I sat down across from Ken and looked at what was being served. Hamburgers and French fries. We've gone American. 

            "Ah, good ol' American food," commented the play boy diagonal from me. "It's a wonder they don't all die from heart disease or something. These suckers are greasy." 

            A snicker from Ken. "Maybe Omi's trying to kill ya' off so you're not here to smoke in _his _house."

            "Ken-kun! I'm doing nothing of the sort! We haven't had American food for a week!" Omi replied promptly. 

            I let them argue and got up to get myself another glass of milk. Milk was good anytime of the day, and I would need it tonight. Something light to stare at while they conversed about who knows what. It's not like I can keep up for long. I still just don't understand how they understand each other. 

            "He's trying to kill you, Yohji. I'm telling you. Why don't you believe meeeee?" Ken again. 

            "I am n--,"

            "Are too!"

            "Why should I believe you!"

            "Because I cooked it!"

            "Whatever!"

            "Get the ranch out would you?" 

A blur of words. Who was saying what? Too many people. I sat back in my chair with a heavy sigh. I would need the Advil tonight. 

            Dinner went on that way until everyone was finished. I put my dishes in the sink and, since I didn't have dish duty tonight, went back to my room. _I will finish Hamlet_. I feel like I'm about to drop dead though. I'm tired and I still have a shower to take. Why can't I ever just screw routine and be a rebel? 

            It would throw me so off balance I wouldn't know what to do. I dragged myself into the bedroom. I got my pajamas, which **always** stayed under my pillow, and clean underwear, and dragged myself into the shared bathroom. 

            Ken and I share a bathroom since our room's are next to each other. Yohji and Omi share one as well. I locked the door and set my stuff on the counter. 

            I looked into the mirror and just stared for a minute. "I look like a living vampire," I said to no one in particular. Just talking to myself again. 

            Bags were starting to form on my pale face, right under my eyes. Now I've been doing this routine since I got here, but I think I'm lacking more and more on sleep as of late. 

            I shook my head and went to the shower and turned the water on. I looked back at the mirror. How could anyone like this pale _freak _that I see in the mirror? How do those three manage to live with me?            

            I sighed to myself. I push everyone away, and if that doesn't do it, my looks should. Red hair and Amethyst eyes? How odd is that? And paler than _pale_. I need more self esteem, I really do. I'm liable to screw up on a mission with this low self-esteem. 

            I undressed as I watched steam form on the mirror, and then in I went. 

            Now fully dressed and scrubbed clean, I lay down on my bed and snuggled into the covers. It's so cold. I've never felt so cold in my life, until I lay down. There's no warmth for me to snuggle to. Not that there ever will be. 

            I should do laundry tomorrow. I was going to reach over and get my book but my eyes were so heavy that I didn't really want to. I closed them, telling myself I was just going to rest and I fell asleep with a fleeting thought about that damn milk. That was the only whiteness in my dream though, for I fell quickly into the darkness. 


	3. Breaking

**Chapter 3**

            Falling. Falling... must I forever fall? Someone stop this. There has to be a light somewhere in here, but where?

            BEEP BEEP BEEP.

            I slammed my hand down on the alarm clock. I didn't want to get up. I really didn't. I curled up in my bed and stared at the window. 

            Slowly, I got up and walked over to the window. I pulled the curtains back and got a blinding shine of white light to my eyes. 

            "Oww..." I closed my eyes tightly. First it was that damn milk, and now it's the damn snow. It's white though. I can escape out there. 

            I slowly opened my eyes. The sun was out and there was a foot of snow on the ground. Even though it was unpleasant to first look at, I realized what an escape it would be. I have no excuse to go out in play in it, like I did with Aya, but I could always walk out there, ne? 

            Why was I up anyways? Why was my alarm set when I didn't even have the morning shift? Ah, maybe it was to do laundry and go see Aya. Probably. I don't feel like it though. The snow had struck something in me, and I don't know why. I didn't want to do anything but go out and _play _in it. Playing was not something I have done since my sister was put into a coma. 

            Plus, I would probably scare some people playing in the snow like a child. They wouldn't get it. They wouldn't get how badly I had needed the escape. No one would ever understand _that_. I walked back over to my bed and sat on it a few minutes, thinking. I needed to brush my teeth. Morning breath. _Yuck_. 

            Okay, I need a little change, nothing big, but I need to listen to the radio. I need to hear something besides my thoughts and the people downstairs. 

            Plus, it's not out of normal routine, when I don't have morning shift I normally do listen to the radio. I just haven't had the luxury of that lately. I flipped the radio on and turned it up. It was in the middle of a song. An English song.

_All my faith is** gone **_

_you think I couldn't find it _

_Pieces falling down _

**_shattered__, nothing behind it _**

_In my mind **alone**, _

_Lost here I'm separated _

**_Crawl deeper in my hole _**

**_safe here from what I hated _**

**_All the demons in my head won't leave me _**

**_I know I can hear them _**

_All the** sacrifices **made for** nothing **_

**_Don't show can't believe it _**

**Want to show you that I'm good for something **

**_I can't you won't let me _**

**_All your artificial words won't heal me _**

**_Because you can't accept me _**

               In a way, that describes part of me. Very eerie. Maybe I don't want to listen to the radio. 

_Trust in me **can't** trust _

_I know, I don't believe it _

**_All my life so scarred _**

**_what for, oh  you can't _**conceive**_ it _**

_Everything you **fear **_

_I'll be, you couldn't live it _

**_I whisper in your ear _**

**_why can't you feel it _**

            I clicked it off after that. That was enough. For something to come that close to home.. that was just.. no more. I got up and went to the bathroom. 

            Teeth. Face. Hair. Glance. 

            _Crawl deeper in my hole, safe here from what I hated. _

The lines kept popping back in my head. No more. I didn't want to remember right now. It's white, I have an escape. I do, don't I? I can do this by myself. I live in this darkness, it's nothing new. 

            But yet, I start to wonder, am I wearing thin? Can I keep going on without help? There's no one to help me, so I must go on. I have no choice. An escape would just leave me more vulnerable for an attack. I don't need one. Just go on with your routine. 

            I went and got dressed. Damn. I messed up already. Since when did I dress second? I looked back at the mirror and sighed. I need things to go normal again. Routine. I can do routine. 

            I will not ask for help, I can't drag anyone that I care about down with me again. I can't get close. The darkness and routine is all I have, and it will stay like that. No matter what. Funny, how I long to get away from the darkness, but when an escape offers itself.. I retreat into the darkness. 

            I walked downstairs, forgetting my coat. I opened the front door and realized this. I sighed. I walked back upstairs and grabbed the leather coat and put it on. No more mistakes. Everything from here on out will go _routine! _

I opened the door and was welcomed with that snow-blinding _white_ snow! I stepped outside and started on my walk, ignoring the whiteness around me. Escape will make me break, and I can't do my job broken. It just doesn't work. 

            Even as I tried to convince myself, I knew I was falling apart. And all because I _know_ there's an escape, but I won't take it. Silly to think that snow could help me? But there _are_ wonderful memories of Aya and me with the snow. Memories that will bring me out of this. But if I come out, I won't be the same. I'm not innocent anymore. The snow won't be much help. Just the beginning. There will be nothing after that. 

            Nothing. No help. No escape. I'll be at a loss, and I can't do that to myself. I may have the snow for a week, but when it left I would be a hollow shell. Worthless. No, I won't do it. 

            I walked into the hospital and went to Aya's room, in _routine_ mind you. 

            I opened the door, losing my sense of quietness for once;  I knew it wouldn't do any good. I shut the door and sat down in my seat. 

            "Imouto.." That's all I can choke out before I start crying. Not those girly tears our fan girls cry when we reject them. The kind that your face didn't turn red, not that mine ever does, and that gave you one hell of a headache. 

            I don't know how long I cried, but I had overstayed my normal time. Nothing was going right today. Today could not be routine, I can't even place myself back on orbit. I can still make it to dinner on time. Things should go more smoothly after that. 

            I got up and said farewell, then left quickly to go home. I went on, ignoring the world on my way back, not caring about anything but trying to make life routine. 

            When I walked back into the house, everyone was dressed as if they were ready to go somewhere.

            "Ready for dinner Aya-kun?" Omi asked with his usual cheerful smile.

            I blinked. Maybe I did stay a little longer than usual. 

            "We're going out, now come on, don't act stupid." Yohji.

            Just what I needed. I don't want to do anything but eat in this tiny little house and then go to my room and read. Damnit.

~*~*~*~*~

            We ended up at some American restaurant called _Chile's_. I only ate a salad, too thought-filled with things of the past and present.  

            The mindless chatter of the others was lost to me as I stared out the window at the snow. 

            All I want is someone to help me. I pleaded and begged with my unyielding soul to let me break taboo just this once. All I wanted was just one time to pour out my thoughts and feelings. 

            I wanted to feel _loved _again.

            I'm fucking falling apart like this. 

            I gazed over at my teammates, catching brown eyes staring right at me. Ken does that a lot. I don't know why he looks at me with that… look. It's like he's hungry for something and only I can give it to him. It becomes unnerving. I throw on my death glare towards him and look back out the window. 

            Yohji and Omi paused talking for the few seconds Ken and I held eyes. I think they're in on the little secret too. I'm left out of this one. 

            Breaking the silence, "Are we ready to go?" Omi chirped in just at the right times before something exploded around here. 

            There was a silent agreement that everyone was done and Yohji picked up the check to go pay. 

            Ken left a tip and we headed out towards the car. I got in the front seat, there was more room for my legs that way. My shoulder still ached from the mission, and I didn't feel like being cramped. And I can't forget about that mission tonight. Sore and cramped, and a mission. Not a good mix. 

            Yohji got in the front seat and started the car. First thing he did was find a good radio station. He stopped on some English station and started for home. The song that came on, hit home and I almost broke in the car. Enough experience kept it in check till I came home.

**_I_**_ just need this to be _all right

_I can't feel this another night_

_I **can't take this I come unglued**_

_I might **break down in ****front of you**_

_Necessary to medicate_

_I'm not sleeping, can't stay awake_

_Can't see through this_

_Too much pressure_

_Drowning in this _

_Too much pressure_

_If you **need me, I'll need ****you **_

_I'm unconscious, escape my plea_

_I can't take this_

_I come unglued_

_I might break down in front of you_

**_Necessary_**_ to **medicate**_

_I'm not sleeping, can't stay awake_

_Can't see through this_

_Too much pressure_

_Drowning in this _

_Too much pressure_

**_My head hurts_**_ this shit isn't getting me high_

_My chest is so tight, am I going to **die**?_

_My stomachs in knots as the world starts to spin_

_As I wait for this valium to slowly kick in.._

_Can't see through this_

**_Too much pressure_**

_Drowning in this_

_Too much pressure_

_Drowning in this_

_Too much pressure!_


	4. A Look Through Ken's Eyes

**Chapter 4**

(Ken's POV, sudden switch)

            The past few days, our cold-hearted fearless leader has been acting different. He seems shaken by such little things. 

            I remember bringing his toast to him one morning and he looked at my like I was the devil incarnate. 

            He's too… routine? Set in his ways? You can predict his every move, until you get out on the mission field. Then, it takes a little more scrutiny to figure out what he'll do.

            Back to the present, it's dinner time, and I just went up and knocked on Aya's door. I sat down in my place at the table, waiting for the young blonde to serve dinner. 

            About half-way through dinner, I found my eyes drawn to the red-head. I couldn't help it. He's… pretty. 

            Yes, your soccer-loving-normal-kid-next-door is gay. Well, more of leaning on the bisexual side sometimes. But the longer I'm near _him, the more I'm not so sure of myself. _

            I do not think our fearless leader is gay though. He's probably straighter than a board. I guess that leaves me out, but I can fantasize right?

            Half-way through my thoughts he looks up at me and stares me in the eyes, just like when we went out the other night. They were ice-cold and deadly. 

            It sent a shiver down my spine as I averted my eyes. There's something wrong with him. All I want to do is help. 

            I looked back at him when he went back to his dinner. What can a boy like me do though? He'll never accept help.

            "Pass the butter, Ken-kun." Omi, interrupting my thoughts. I handed him the butter and sighed to myself. 

            Dinner was always hell. I can't keep my eyes off him. I sound like a love sick puppy. 

            As much as I know he needs help, so do I. Not that anyone could ever notice that though. 

            I got up, mumbled some excuse about needing to go play soccer with the kids, and left the table. The others could pick my plates up. I had to get out of there before I did something I regretted. 

            Why can't Aya just see that I need him, and that I'm here to help? If not as a lover, then as family. 

            I walked outside and stared up at the sky, it was getting dark quickly, but I'd have time for a walk. 

            I walked down the street, staring at the ground the whole time. 

            "I'm a fucking child." I muttered to myself while kicking some rock. 

            I walked the streets of the city, wallowing in self pity. About a quarter after nine I came back to the flower shop. 

            The lights were off in the kitchen and living room so I figured everyone had already gone to bed. I went upstairs and walked past Aya's door.

            His light was on. It would only take a knock. I raised my hand to knock but stopped myself. I couldn't, and I wouldn't. 

            I walked the few paces left to my room and opened the door. 

            My room wasn't _that_ messy. Well, not to me, I know where everything is, and that's good enough for me. 

            My soccer ball is in the closet to the right. My bugnucks are in the closet, under a pile of clothes. 

            Maybe… if I change, Aya might take a notice of me. I went downstairs and grabbed the furniture polish, the Windex, and a bunch of old towels. 

            At 11:30, my room was spotless. Clean enough to rival even Mr. Obsessive Compulsive Aya. 

            Now, one thing done, time for some literature. I peeked out and looked to see if Aya's light was still on. 

            It was. I walked over to his room and knocked softly. 

            No reply. 

          I knocked a little louder. 

            No reply. 

            I knocked another time, for the sake of his stubbornness. 

            No reply. 

            Either he was asleep or kidnapped. I wasn't so sure of the latter, because Ran could take care of himself. You never could be sure with that German red-head around. 

            I opened the door and looked in.

            Good, he was asleep. 

            I went in and over to his bookshelf where all his literature was. He has just about everything I ever could think of. From way back to Homer and Shakespeare to some people I don't even know the names of.    

            There was a book called _Demian_, which looked interesting. It wasn't very long. I picked it up, and could barely understand the back. Well, I might as well read the whole damn dictionary. 

            I took _Demian, a dictionary, and some Shakespeare and went to my room. I'd tell him later that I borrowed them, thinking he would be pleased that I was trying to educate myself. _

            Now I sound childish. Why am I making such drastic changes? I don't even have a chance. 

            Oh well, if Aya likes them, it will be okay. 

            My alarm went off early and I pushed it off the dresser. It was too early and I didn't want to be up. I had to work with Mr. Ice Princess today. 

            I rubbed my eyes and stared at my ceiling for a minute. I sat up and looked around, astonished at the clean room. 

            Why did I clean it again? 

            Oh yeah, so Aya would like me. 

            If he would just look at me and stop acting like I'm the person that killed his sister, things would be different. I only want to help him, he's… falling apart, I think. 

            I dressed as quickly as I could and went on down to the shop. Aya was already there, not that it's a big surprise to anyone. 

            The day passed on as normal and the same for many days after that. 

            After about two weeks, at the end of my shift I was confronted by Aya himself. 

            He led me to the back room and looked at me hard for a few minutes. He didn't say anything… it was like he was judging me by my appearances or something. I stood still, not knowing what else to do and just watched him. Or rather, admired him. My eyes ran over his chest. He was wearing a… tighter shirt than usual. Much tighter. Damn. He's got a nice body.. or chest at least. 

            A blush started creeping to my cheeks when he finally spoke. 

            "I don't like this new you, Ken. Why the hell have you changed like this?"

            My eyes widened. He **didn't** like it?


	5. Return

**Authors Note: I've corrected a mistake that was pointed out to me, and I've extended the chapter a little. So scroll down and see what's new. **

**Chapter 5**

(back in Ran's POV)

Ken has changed lately. He's not acting like himself. He's "borrowed" some of my literature. I don't think he expected me to notice, but he took some of my favorite pieces. _Demian _and my Shakespeare. And he took my _Oxford's English Dictionary_. Why?

I sighed softly. I think I feel something for the kid, but I can't keep it up. As soon as I get my literature back, I won't think about him anymore.

He's been on my mind for the past few weeks and he's all I can think about. The darkness doesn't even bother me when I think of _him._

He's knocked my routine completely out of whack. When I get up now, it's a mess trying to get everything done. My routine is gone. I just do what I need, when I need to.

I should confront him though. He's changed, and I don't like it. I don't feel like I know this new Ken. His room… is _clean!_ That's not the Ken I know.

I'll confront him after work. Yes, after work is good.

I went to my closet and pulled on one of my more.. tighter shirts and a pair of jeans. Both black, both echoing the darkness in my heart.

At the end of the shift, completely out of routine, like everything has been that week, I pulled the brunette to the side. I don't think he knows what to think, he's staring at me, like he does so well. It's almost like he's enjoying the view. _'Fujimiya, this is where you talk to him. Before he gets ideas.'_

I looked at Ken and noticed he was blushing. God, what's going to happen when all this is done? First, confront Ken so you can get back on that damn routine. Back into the darkness that's all for you. Cynical.

"I don't like this new you, Ken. Why the hell have you changed like this?"

His eyes turned the size of saucers, just staring at me. And then the damn kid knocked me off my orbit causing me to smash into the ever lighted sun. He kissed me.

It was brief, simple, nothing elaborate. Just a brush of the lips, but it knocked me completely out of orbit. Worse than anything the milk, the snow, the hospital could have done, _combined_.

"Sor—," I didn't let the kid finish, I was out of the store and upstairs before I heard him say another word.

_'What the fuck happened, Fujimiya! You can't do this. He can't do this. This isn't right. This is all wrong! Wrong! He brought the light in... and now I don't know what to do. He opened the way, with a kiss. Damn it. Just a kiss, and I'm dying already...'_

I closed and locked my door taking a deep breath. Maybe that was too much light. Ken is a white I don't think I can handle right now. A white that would make me break and start over. A white that probably wouldn't last. A white that would dispose of me when I needed it most.

No, I can't let Ken, _Hidaka_, manipulate me like this. It's not happening. I think I can finally get back on routine. Maybe it was just a wake up call. Yes, a wake up call. A wake up call to show me what life would be without the darkness. Maybe I'm the fool that thinks I can escape the darkness. Maybe I'm manipulating myself.

The darkness is ready for me to come back and slip into it's routine, and I think I'm ready to go back. I need something steady in my life. The darkness is there more often than naught.

Maybe I need to be committed. I get another offering of a break away from this life and I slam it away. Not only that, but I'm cold hearted Fujimiya. Not someone who needs a love sick puppy following him. I don't believe in love anymore. Love isn't supported by the darkness.

I'm starting to believe there's no savior from the darkness. No one that can stand up and rescue people so deeply within it.

Hidaka is only here to confuse me more and give me false hope. He tried to break me and I can't afford that.

But I think some small part of me wanted to embrace Hidaka and cry.

After that confrontation in the shop, life seemed to get back to normal. I fell back into my routine without any problems. Hidaka left my thoughts, the white slipping away from it. Slowly, very slowly, as the weeks passed by, the snow started melting, and I developed a distaste to milk. My planet was moving on it's orbit, farther from the sun. Farther than where it used to be. To a safe distance. A distance where breaking wasn't an option.

I still visited Aya, but because of all the white, my routine changed. I don't visit everyday now. Hidaka was a wake up call, and I took it seriously. I was surrounding myself with too much of the white, the hope. I only visit once a week. On Wednesday. At twelve like always.

I still haven't retrieved my literature from Hidaka. I don't know if I have the guts to look him in the eyes anymore. He is always sulking in the shop. Never greeting people with quite the same gait, smile, cheerfulness.

Although I've changed things, and have moved away from my breaking point, some mornings I wake up with tears in my eyes. I never remember why, and I don't think I'm supposed to know. The darkness protects me from that.

But that same part of me that wants to embrace Hidaka, wants me to go talk to him, apologize, and talk.

I ignore that part of me, for now. I'm not ready for it. Aya first. Then we'll see.

The new morning started out just as it always did. With the same routines, I got myself up and ready to work for the day. It's a Wednesday, which means I must visit my sister at lunch time.

Maybe today I'll bring flowers. Dark red ones… or maybe that's not quite appropriate. That color red resembles one to many lives that have been in my hands. So, on second thought, I won't get any flowers.

As I was walking down the stairs to get some breakfast, it hit me. The pain, the tears, I just couldn't take it anymore. I was breaking. A tear slowly fell down my cheek, and that was it. I couldn't hold them back anymore.


End file.
